‘Respect is important’: If my financial adviser said, ‘Hey,’ my wife and I would walk out. Where do you draw the line?
For some people, “Hey” is friendly. For others, it’s flippant—especially when it opens a professional relationship involving their life savings. If the first word from a prospective adviser makes you want to get up and leave, you’re not being petty. You’re noticing a signal. The real question is what that signal should mean: Is it a deal-breaker on its own, or a cue to clarify expectations? And where should any of us draw the line between harmless informality and genuine disrespect?
Why small words loom large with money
– Money is intimate. It touches security, identity, family history, and future plans. People want to feel safe, seen, and taken seriously.
– In high-stakes services (finance, medicine, law), formality often stands in for reliability. When the risks are large, polish and care reassure us that the details will be handled.
– Respect isn’t just about tone. It’s about power. Clients are vulnerable to conflicts of interest, information asymmetry, and jargon. Courtesy is a way of signaling restraint and accountability in that imbalance.
At the same time, norms have shifted. Many people under 40 interpret “Hey” as neutral or even warmer than “Dear.” In tech-forward firms, emojis and first names are standard. The challenge isn’t to enforce one universal rule; it’s to establish a shared standard that feels respectful to you.
A simple framework for judging “respect”
Before you walk out over a greeting—or, conversely, brush off a moment that actually matters—run the interaction through five lenses:
1) Stakes
– The higher the stakes (a fiduciary engagement, a complex tax strategy), the higher the bar for formality, clarity, and care.
2) Context and medium
– A marketing email or calendar reminder can be lighter than a first meeting, a performance review, or a suitability conversation.
– Texting norms differ from email, which differ from in-person.
3) Consent and mirroring
– Respectful pros ask and mirror: “How would you like to be addressed?” “Is texting okay?” If they default to informality, do they adjust once you signal your preference?
4) Consistency and substance
– A crisp “Dear Ms. Ruiz” won’t fix late responses, sloppy math, or evasive answers. Look for alignment between tone and behavior.
5) Repairability
– A single “Hey” is coachable. Dismissing your concerns—or patronizing a spouse—is a pattern.
Non-negotiable respect from a financial adviser
Regardless of style, the following are table stakes. If any of these are missing, the problem isn’t manners; it’s risk.
– Fiduciary duty, in writing. They commit to put your interests first and can explain how they’re paid.
– Transparent fees. You know exactly what you’ll pay, for what, and how conflicts are handled.
– Competence and clarity. Credentials are verifiable; explanations are plain-English; assumptions and risks are named.
– Inclusion and listening. Both spouses or partners are addressed equally; questions are encouraged; your goals and constraints are reflected back accurately.
– Reliability. Punctuality, clear agendas, written follow-ups, and timely replies—especially on time-sensitive items.
– Privacy and security. Proper handling of documents, secure portals, and discretion in public spaces.
– Accountability. When errors occur, they own and fix them.
Strong preferences that are coachable
These affect comfort more than safety. Good advisers adapt quickly if you state your preference.
– Salutations and honorifics: “Mr./Ms./Dr.” vs first names; avoiding nicknames without permission; honoring pronouns.
– Communication channel and cadence: email vs phone vs text; response-time expectations; after-hours boundaries; whether to leave voicemails.
– Dress and office vibe: suits vs smart casual; virtual backgrounds; visible political or religious symbols.
– Small talk appetite: straight-to-business vs a few minutes of rapport.
Red flags and fireable offenses
If you see these, you don’t need a second chance.
– Pressure selling, product pushing, or evasion about compensation.
– Talking over you or your spouse; condescension; minimizing risk concerns.
– Recommending strategies they cannot clearly explain.
– Missing deadlines, ghosting on urgent issues, or breaching confidentiality.
– Bigotry, stereotyping, or “jokes” at your expense.
– Refusal to document advice and key decisions.
When “Hey” really is the line
For some clients—often because of cultural background, prior bad experiences, or simply personal standard—formality is synonymous with safety. That’s valid. If a casual greeting triggers a gut-level signal that this person won’t respect you, you can walk. You don’t need permission to curate the tone of your financial life.
But before you exit, consider whether the cost of switching outweighs the benefit. If everything else is excellent—fee-only, fiduciary, superb planning—try one sentence of feedback. If they bristle or mock your preference, that tells you everything. If they adapt with grace, you may gain both a capable adviser and a relationship that feels right.
Practical scripts for clients
Setting expectations upfront
– In writing: “Before we begin, a quick note on communication preferences: we prefer formal salutations and email as the primary channel. Please address us as Mr. and Mrs. Alvarez, and copy both of us on all correspondence.”
– In person: “We prefer to keep things formal—Mr./Ms. for now—and email for important follow-ups. Does that work on your end?”
Correcting in the moment
– “Please call me Mrs. Patel.”
– “We’d appreciate formal greetings in correspondence.”
– “Texting isn’t a good fit for us; email is best for records.”
Testing fit without drama
– “Tone and process matter to us as much as advice. If formal communication isn’t your style, we may not be the right clients.”
Exiting gracefully
– “Thank you for your time. We’re looking for a different communication style and won’t be moving forward. Please delete our information.”
A simple “respect checklist” for choosing an adviser
Must-haves
– Fiduciary commitment in writing, clear compensation, clean regulatory record.
– Planning approach you understand and agree with.
– Communication plan: who’s on your team, turnaround times, and how meetings are run.
– Willingness to engage both partners equally and honor your preferences.
Nice-to-haves
– Style match: tone, dress, tech comfort, meeting cadence.
– Educational approach that empowers you without jargon.
– Tools and portals that work for your level of comfort.
Deal-breakers
– Any pressure to sign quickly or move assets without time to review.
– Disrespect to you or your partner; defensiveness when corrected.
– Hidden fees or vague answers about products and incentives.
Advice for advisers who want to get this right
– Default formal, then ask: “What name and pronouns do you prefer? Is texting okay? What response times do you expect?”
– Mirror the client’s tone and adjust across channels; Slack isn’t email isn’t a regulatory letter.
– Include both partners in eye contact, questions, and follow-ups. Do not assume the financial lead.
– Confirm next steps and send a written summary after every meeting.
– Capture preferences in your CRM and follow them religiously.
– Get names right. Ask how to pronounce them. Never invent nicknames.
– When you miss, apologize, adjust, and move on.
Cultural and generational nuance matters
– Regions and cultures interpret informality differently. In some places, “Hey” can read as disrespect; in others, as inclusive warmth.
– Older clients often expect honorifics, while many younger clients prefer egalitarian language. Neither is wrong. Consent is what makes either respectful.
– For clients who have experienced bias, small slights accumulate. Precision with names, titles, and inclusion isn’t cosmetic; it’s trust-building.
Where to draw your line
Make your standard explicit before you hire:
– List your must-haves, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers.
– Ask prospective advisers to describe their communication policy.
– Watch how they behave with both you and your spouse during the meeting.
– Decide what’s coachable (tone, scheduling) and what’s not (ethics, inclusion, competence).
Then enforce your standard calmly and consistently. Walk away quickly for ethics issues. Offer one clean correction for style issues. If the response is respectful and the substance is strong, you’ve likely found a fit. If not, you’ll save yourself years of friction.
Respect is not just an opening word. It’s a series of choices—about language, time, attention, transparency, and humility. A good adviser will meet you where you are. A great one will ask where that is, write it down, and prove it in the details. If “Hey” is the litmus test that helps you find that person, use it. Just make sure it’s part of a broader, thoughtful standard—so you don’t miss the adviser who says “Dear” but doesn’t act like they mean it.
